Tinder: the ultimate dating app?

People often ask me why I'm single. I'm sitting here in my Justin Bieber shirt, Hello Kitty slippers and watching The Swan Princess (my all time favorite movie) and I literally have NO idea. So while I'm still single, I have another fun dating story for you. It's a little long, but worth it. I promise.

Have you heard of Tinder? It’s a "dating" phone app that matches you with people you "mark" as attractive. You may think this sounds shallow; but let's get serious. If you see a guy (or girl) at Church, the grocery, etc. what makes you initially talk to them - exactly, you find them attractive. So before everyone jumps on my case for judging a book by its cover, PLEASE tell me the last person you went on a date with because you found out they were a great person PRIOR to seeing their gorgeous smile.

Let’s get started with the best story ever. Molly and I are both on this app (as are many of my guy/girl friends) and we were both matched with a guy I’ll call “Charming”.  Molly and Charming had been talking about meeting up for quite a while but he couldn't find "the time" (typical). Naturally, when he asked her to hang out for the 1,000th time she didn't respond right away; meanwhile, his man ego got the best of him and he starts making back up plans... me. Molly and I knew of his dual pursuit so, of course, we both responded yes. *evil laugh* In case you're not keeping up, Charming has put himself in a little pickle. He has made plans with two different girls, at two different locations, on one night. Since Charming can’t be in two places at once, he tells me that his friend didn't want to go out so he’d have to bail. Brilliant, Charming. (Did I mention at one point Molly and I both had pictures with each other in our profiles?) As he confirmed plans with Molly, for him and his friend, little did he know I would be her plus one. Fast forward to the night of the meet up: I played it cool and pretended like he was a total stranger; I didn't even call him out when he messaged me WHILE he was talking to Molly, and I was literally standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Again, brilliant Charming. When Molly excuses herself to use the restroom, the following conversation actually really legitimately happened…

Charming: So tell me about Molly.

Me: Well, she’s blah blah blah. Insert all the great things about Molly here

Charming: She seems like a real cool girl, I like her.

Me: Now, I’m going to ask you three questions. One, do you or would you go to Church?

Charming: No but yes. Well, yes but not all the time. Maybe, occasionally. Uhhh bro, make up your mind!

Me: Question two, would you ever date a virgin? Keep in mind he has NO idea that we are.

Charming: NO! Why would anyone 30 years old be a Virgin? That’s not normal, so NO.

Me: Okay… In my head I’m thinking, first off we’re NOT 30. Secondly, calm down bro. I asked if you’d date a virgin not a murderer.

Me: So question three, what is one trait you love about your mom?

Charming: Honesty. Oh, the irony!

If you thought it couldn't get better, just wait. 

Charming’s friend: So Ashley, Molly showed us her tattoo... Where is yours?

Molly: Go ahead, show him, Ashley. As I've blogged about before, I’m not ashamed to tell a guy 15 seconds after meeting that I’m a virgin. Side note, my tattoo so permanently says that. (You can read about it). I was trying to control myself and not make the situation awkward for her, but I just couldn't it.

Me: It says faith, family and fairytale.

Charming’s friend: What does fairytale mean?

Me: Oh, I’m a virgin! Smiling uncontrollably.

Silence, dead silence. To break the awkward tension, Charming’s friend gave me a high five and, as if perfectly on queue, Molly made it more awkward by letting everyone know she deserved a high five too. Inside I’m laughing, nearly uncontrollably – my body was probably shaking with laughter. I chose not to laugh out loud because I thought the silence was more torturous. At that point Charming realizes he's made a boo boo, briefly hugs Molly and literally just walks away. As we leave, I filled her in on my fun little chat with Charming and no sooner did I finish, did he text her asking her on a second date. Seriously, when did meeting up to hear a band with two girls become a date? Secondly, did you zone out the last 30 minutes of our conversation? Molly politely refused and the next morning I woke up to have this conversation.

Charming: Do you want to go on a double date this weekend?

Me: Umm… Do you realize you met me last night?

Charming: Yes I do. Is that weird?

Me: When did you know it was me?

Charming: About halfway through.

Before I could even reply, Charming blocked me on Tinder. That, my friends, is the definition of a Douche Bag. I think I'll stay single. The moral of the story is that I have NO problem with dating/marrying someone who isn't a virgin (realistically, I think that’ll be the case). I don't need a guy to have the same past as I do, but his future needs to match mine and he needs to support my values. 

Until my next lovely man encounter, you can look forward to Retail Rehab round two next week and I'm going to keep jumping on my Pogo Stick.

Perks of Marrying a Virgin

Let me start off by saying, I am a virgin and PROUD of it. In fact, just so guys know my intentions, I typically introduce myself like so, "Hi, I'm Ashley and I'm a Virgin." Think I'm joking? Ask any of my friends. That being said, I also strongly believe in making fun of myself and looking at the humor in life. So sit back, grab a glass of wine and enjoy my virgin perks.

Perks of marrying a Virgin:

1. You've heard the theory that you should "test" the car before you buy it. Well, the bonus of marrying a virgin is you don't have to worry about what type of "car" you are. I have never driven a BMW or Lexus. So you could be a 1986 Kia and you're going to be a Bentley to me. 

2. Couples often tell me that sex isn't that exciting and when you're married you'll barely "do it". Let's take a look at the math... If you've been having sex since you were 17, get married at 28 by the time you're in your mid 30's you're (probably) over it. Which means, if I get married at 28 (fingers crossed!) I'll be nearly 50 by the time I'm supposed to be "over it". Future husband, you are welcome.

3. When you're dating a Virgin, you don't have to worry about pregnancy scares. How many times have you driven your friend, girlfriend, sister or a perfect stanger to CVS because someone is a little "late"? At least I can confidently tell you when my pants are a little snug it has nothing to do with me carrying your child and everything to do with eating too much FroYo. 

4. Virgins are easily swayed. When I get married I'll have (roughly) 28 years of built up... um... "feelings", so when it comes to Virgins we'll never respond with "been there, done that." I think I've elaborated enough, you know what I mean...

So that's it, four reasons to enjoy dating or marrying a virgin. Everyone gives us a hard time because we're making our beau wait BUT when it finally happens, I can gaurentee my husband will have way better lockerroom talk than yours. 

My Best, Worst Dates

Being single these days can be quite the challenge. For starters, I often wear a fake wedding ring on my right hand so I can switch it over to my left in "emergency" situations. Secondly, it's slightly flattering, yet also incredibly degrading when you get the standard "cat call". I mean seriously guys, what girl jumped on your lap when you yelled "hey there fine thing, that's a nice booty you got"? (Gosh, I wish I made that up) Since I can laugh at my dating life, you should too. Below are my top three favorite First Date Moments. Side note: I'm no longer friends with any of these guys, so I can make fun of them all I want.

#3. The male chauvinist. A couple years ago I went on a date with an Engineer from UPS (sadly, I can't remember his name). When I arrived at the date UPS was about 20 pounds skinnier than the photo I was given, I instantly convinced myself he must have just gotten over the stomach flu. Awwe... Poor guy! We went through all the basic first date questions: family... friends... blah blah... then we got to job. This is when I wished he WAS infected with the stomach flu! That's not true, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, well, except myself so I could lose those last 10 pounds. UPS started telling me about his job and when I asked him to explain in a little more detail, other than he makes UPS ship faster, he told me, "I doubt you'd understand". Um... Did you just call me dumb? I told myself to calm down, after all he was just getting over the stomach flu. So I regrouped, picked my jaw up off the table and told him about my job. (side note: I LOVE my job) His response, "oh huh... that's okay." Um... Did you just call me dumb AGAIN? The best part about this guy, he had the audacity to text me and ask me out for a second time. I told him no, I had the "stomach flu" this time. 

#2. The over sharer. This date had no problem talking, in fact he couldn't stop talking. We ended up "grabbing a drink" for four hours, yes four hours. What did I learn about Tommy Talker? #1. His debt was giving our National Debt a run for it's money. #2. He doesn't like Saw movies because the only time he wants to watch someone chained is ME in the bedroom. Seriously? #3. He didn't intend on sleeping with me until the second date. Huh... Did you miss the part where I'm a Virgin?

#1. Mr. Awkward. He and I ended up being the last people to leave the restaurant and that's no exaggeration - I'm talking chairs on the table and our waiter had politely asked 17 times what else she could do for us. Awkward. We finally made it outside and he went to shake my hand. Awkward. So I jokingly said, "how about a hug?" This is where I went wrong. He took the offer and hugged me, then proceeded to PICK ME UP, put me down and then giggled while skipping to his car. Okay, I exaggerated on the skipping part but this legitimately happened. Was this a weight check and did I pass? Did I just get bear hugged? Awkward. Just awkward. 

So there you have it, a look into my dating life. I hope you just got a good feel for being a 20 something single woman.