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Monday, August 26, 2013

Tinder: the ultimate dating app?

People often ask me why I'm single. I'm sitting here in my Justin Bieber shirt, Hello Kitty slippers and watching The Swan Princess (my all time favorite movie) and I literally have NO idea. So while I'm still single, I have another fun dating story for you. It's a little long, but worth it. I promise.

Have you heard of Tinder? It’s a "dating" phone app that matches you with people you "mark" as attractive. You may think this sounds shallow; but let's get serious. If you see a guy (or girl) at Church, the grocery, etc. what makes you initially talk to them - exactly, you find them attractive. So before everyone jumps on my case for judging a book by its cover, PLEASE tell me the last person you went on a date with because you found out they were a great person PRIOR to seeing their gorgeous smile.

Let’s get started with the best story ever. Molly and I are both on this app (as are many of my guy/girl friends) and we were both matched with a guy I’ll call “Charming”.  Molly and Charming had been talking about meeting up for quite a while but he couldn't find "the time" (typical). Naturally, when he asked her to hang out for the 1,000th time she didn't respond right away; meanwhile, his man ego got the best of him and he starts making back up plans... me. Molly and I knew of his dual pursuit so, of course, we both responded yes. *evil laugh* In case you're not keeping up, Charming has put himself in a little pickle. He has made plans with two different girls, at two different locations, on one night. Since Charming can’t be in two places at once, he tells me that his friend didn't want to go out so he’d have to bail. Brilliant, Charming. (Did I mention at one point Molly and I both had pictures with each other in our profiles?) As he confirmed plans with Molly, for him and his friend, little did he know I would be her plus one. Fast forward to the night of the meet up: I played it cool and pretended like he was a total stranger; I didn't even call him out when he messaged me WHILE he was talking to Molly, and I was literally standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Again, brilliant Charming. When Molly excuses herself to use the restroom, the following conversation actually really legitimately happened…

Charming: So tell me about Molly.
Me: Well, she’s blah blah blah. Insert all the great things about Molly here
Charming: She seems like a real cool girl, I like her.
Me: Now, I’m going to ask you three questions. One, do you or would you go to Church?
Charming: No but yes. Well, yes but not all the time. Maybe, occasionally. Uhhh bro, make up your mind!
Me: Question two, would you ever date a virgin? Keep in mind he has NO idea that we are.
Charming: NO! Why would anyone 30 years old be a Virgin? That’s not normal, so NO.
Me: Okay… In my head I’m thinking, first off we’re NOT 30. Secondly, calm down bro. I asked if you’d date a virgin not a murderer.
Me: So question three, what is one trait you love about your mom?
Charming: Honesty. Oh, the irony!

If you thought it couldn't get better, just wait. 

Charming’s friend: So Ashley, Molly showed us her tattoo... Where is yours?
Molly: Go ahead, show him, Ashley. As I've blogged about before, I’m not ashamed to tell a guy 15 seconds after meeting that I’m a virgin. Side note, my tattoo so permanently says that. (You can read about it). I was trying to control myself and not make the situation awkward for her, but I just couldn't it.
Me: It says faith, family and fairytale.
Charming’s friend: What does fairytale mean?
Me: Oh, I’m a virgin! Smiling uncontrollably.

Silence, dead silence. To break the awkward tension, Charming’s friend gave me a high five and, as if perfectly on queue, Molly made it more awkward by letting everyone know she deserved a high five too. Inside I’m laughing, nearly uncontrollably – my body was probably shaking with laughter. I chose not to laugh out loud because I thought the silence was more torturous. At that point Charming realizes he's made a boo boo, briefly hugs Molly and literally just walks away. As we leave, I filled her in on my fun little chat with Charming and no sooner did I finish, did he text her asking her on a second date. Seriously, when did meeting up to hear a band with two girls become a date? Secondly, did you zone out the last 30 minutes of our conversation? Molly politely refused and the next morning I woke up to have this conversation.

Charming: Do you want to go on a double date this weekend?
Me: Umm… Do you realize you met me last night?
Charming: Yes I do. Is that weird?
Me: When did you know it was me?
Charming: About halfway through.

Before I could even reply, Charming blocked me on Tinder. That, my friends, is the definition of a Douche Bag. I think I'll stay single. The moral of the story is that I have NO problem with dating/marrying someone who isn't a virgin (realistically, I think that’ll be the case). I don't need a guy to have the same past as I do, but his future needs to match mine and he needs to support my values. 

Until my next lovely man encounter, you can look forward to Retail Rehab round two next week and I'm going to keep jumping on my Pogo Stick.


  1. Amazing! You're totally a catch and I'm excited for you because I know God is going to send a REAL Charming your way!
    -Joe Freed

    1. Joe, you're so sweet!!! Thank you for that. :)